shamelessly he assumes
I recognize his voice
answering a phone call
on a Saturday night.
I do,
and find it useless
bristling at what part
of me names
arrogance
because it's all too true.
Though he rarely calls
I do,
recognize his voice,
the false cheeriness
varnishing contempt and
the even deeper
sorrow, desperation.
When me meet,
I see a a hard jawline,
tanned skin taut over
a rather square and
delicate skull.
His skin I know to be
amazingly soft for
someone who does his best
to be a brute.
Baby-soft skin over
taut stomach muscles
- yes, we've tangled limbs,
just once, enough to cherish
deeper, enough to know
we're not meant for each
other.
When I look at him
through the spectacles of my
heart, I see softness,
gentleness, humor,
and love, though it
may have run astray,
as far as love ever does.
Now I can stand my ground
in front of those electric blue
eyes, in front of the often spiteful
babble, unfortunately very intelligent
at times. I just smile and change
the subject.
He likes me enough to acquiesce.
We're good neighbors, all in all.
safe again (2010/01/16)
I feel so safe
I feel so safe
I feel so safe
in this world
that is so unsafe
in this life that is
so unsafe
where death is
imminent
since you
never know
when you're
going to meet it
in this life
I feel so safe
it's your love
that's been
safeguarding me
all these years
all these years
I was so scared
refusing your love
meant refusing
life
now that I've let
my guards down
I can feel safe again.
I feel so safe
I feel so safe
in this world
that is so unsafe
in this life that is
so unsafe
where death is
imminent
since you
never know
when you're
going to meet it
in this life
I feel so safe
it's your love
that's been
safeguarding me
all these years
all these years
I was so scared
refusing your love
meant refusing
life
now that I've let
my guards down
I can feel safe again.
new day (2010/01/12)
why live?
it hurts to be alive
what pleasure there is
I derive from
my predicament
the role I've cornered myself
into
over the many years
peace is elusive and
promises nothing but
the cessation of my
identity
who will I be when
I cease to fight
for the right to
be me?
and yet
on the borders
of my mind
looms silence,
promising
a new day.
it hurts to be alive
what pleasure there is
I derive from
my predicament
the role I've cornered myself
into
over the many years
peace is elusive and
promises nothing but
the cessation of my
identity
who will I be when
I cease to fight
for the right to
be me?
and yet
on the borders
of my mind
looms silence,
promising
a new day.
Safeguards of loneliness
Watching the world
from my desk
from behind safe-guards
of haughtiness
movie stars rise and grow old
only to be followed of news
of another democracy – no, dictatorship!
on the sway,
somewhere, far away.
from my desk
from behind safe-guards
of haughtiness
movie stars rise and grow old
only to be followed of news
of another democracy – no, dictatorship!
on the sway,
somewhere, far away.
Not of interest to me,
as in people and humanity, mostly
a nuisance I see.
as in people and humanity, mostly
a nuisance I see.
children are born
by women I used to know
as carefree students at school.
their children blossom
into their teenage years -
while mine leave me
with unshed cries and tears.
by women I used to know
as carefree students at school.
their children blossom
into their teenage years -
while mine leave me
with unshed cries and tears.
From behind my safe-guards
of loneliness, I watch
people going about their busy-ness,
too busy to breathe, to feel,
to sense, while I, though living leisurely,
of loneliness, I watch
people going about their busy-ness,
too busy to breathe, to feel,
to sense, while I, though living leisurely,
lack courage to let my heartbeat free.
From my desk, I watch,
the internet brings it to me,
this idealized fantasy
we deem reality, knowing
it's make believe,
and yet unable to retrieve
our eyes, trained on the sparkle,
back to our own garden patch,
Where the grass needs trimming,
the dishes need being done,
checkbooks need being balanced,
and chores are never really done.
the internet brings it to me,
this idealized fantasy
we deem reality, knowing
it's make believe,
and yet unable to retrieve
our eyes, trained on the sparkle,
back to our own garden patch,
Where the grass needs trimming,
the dishes need being done,
checkbooks need being balanced,
and chores are never really done.
Like you, I yearned for the
“somewhere,
over the rainbow”, where life would be
better, smoother, either more or less so.
But I'm starting to grow older,
and running away from truth
convinces me no more, tires me
to my unknown core.
over the rainbow”, where life would be
better, smoother, either more or less so.
But I'm starting to grow older,
and running away from truth
convinces me no more, tires me
to my unknown core.
There are only so many movies to
see,
so many ice cream cones to eat,
so many bags of chips to consume, so
many flings to loose yourself in...
so many ice cream cones to eat,
so many bags of chips to consume, so
many flings to loose yourself in...
One day, everything you used
to run away will taste like ash and cinder,
if not to your palate, due to the
omnipresent glutamate,
then to your true nature, your only
soul and mate.
It will never cease to beckon,
quietly
but doggedly reminding you
there's more to life if you are
willing to venture further while
without a clue.
but doggedly reminding you
there's more to life if you are
willing to venture further while
without a clue.
dein Wille geschehe (2009/05/24)
Dein Wille geschehe.
Dein Wille, nicht „mein“.
Nicht „mein“ Gefühl,
und dieses: Ja,
während dieses: Nein.
Nein.
Gleich einem Kamin
sollst du sein.
Der Rauch fährt hindurch.
Der Kamin sagt nie: Nein.
Schornsteinfeger meines
Herzens,
putze mich blank von
meinen Schmerzen, den
Krusten, Knubbeln und Verklemmungen,
die ich trag in diesem
tiefen Schacht, der den
Zugang zu Selbst sein
ausmacht.
Dein Wille geschehe.
Noch tiefer verstanden:
Ich suche mir nicht mehr länger
Ich suche mir nicht mehr länger
aus, welches Gefühl mich
durchwandert.
Aah.
Atme.
Lass es frei.
Sei einfach, was da ist.
Sei einfach!
Sei!
(Oh wei, oh wei!)
Entsetzen ohne Worte (2008/11/15)
Entsetzen ohne Worte
tobt
- in der Stille,
der Verstand.
Hände fassen gierig
nach Stück Torte -
doch nichts stillt mehr
Bewusstsein
oder Angst.
Nur hinzuwenden
wag ich mich
ganz alleine nicht.
Auch wenn die Ruhe
Sicherheit verspricht,
alleine wag' ich's nicht.
Wer wird mir beistehen
wenn ich sterbe
- jenseits des Tors
von Raum und Zeit?
Wer wird mich begleiten
wenn ich mich
Dir vor die Füße
werfe
- hinaus für alle
Ewigkeit?
Gibt es einen der mich liebt,
der stark genug und licht
und hell,
der einfach nur
in Stille bei mir ist,
wenn ich falle,
tief und schnell?
Gibt es ihn,
der bei mir harrt,
der mich nicht belehren,
ändern will,
ganz egal wie groß
das Leid?
Ich bitte dich,
sei einfach da,
sei still und halte meine Hand.
Der Große Geist
beschütze dich,
führt dich ins Gelobte Land.
Gebet (2008/11/08)
Werde ich bestehen
im Angesicht
der alltäglichen
Verlockungen?
Wird die
Bewusstheit
des Wahren
sich vertiefen?
Will ich es
genug,
wach zu sein,
ganz und gar
wach?
Herr, lass mich
wach werden
und werden
und werden
und bestehen.
Mach mir
mein Leben
nicht allzu
bequem.
Ich fürchte,
sonst schlafe ich allzu
bald
wieder ein.
Und bleibe verdammt,
auf ewig,
allein.
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